What's stopping you feeling more confident?
You can listen to a recording of me discussing confidence with Joy Burnford from My Confidence matters here.
For a lot of people confidence depends on what they are doing, who they are with and how competent they feel.
Yet I'd like to encourage us to think about how we can cultivate confidence in a different way.
In a way that has nothing to do with the things we do or achieve and everything to do with who we are.
To start to think of confidence as a way of being.
A practice.
To see that confidence comes from within and radiates out and that it's perfectly possible to be both confident and uncertain at exactly the same time.
So what do we mean by confidence?
We often experience it as one of those invisible yet powerful feelings that when we have it we don't notice it, but when it's absent it's almost impossible to make decisions, move forward or to trust ourselves.
Yet when we look at thee root of the word confidence it starts to make sense why this might be.
The word is made up of Con (meaning with) fid (meaning faith) and -ence meaning (in).
Confidence literally means to have faith within.
It's an internal state of being.
Yet so often we look at developing confidence through our external achievements.
But true confidence comes from having the courage to be who we are and to let ourselves learn from our own experiences, feelings and thoughts.
We're confident when we're genuinely and authentically ourselves.
It's impossible to be confident when we're pretending to be someone or something we're not.
When we're armoured up and hiding.
We might act confident but we won't really feel it inside which is where it matters most.
What I've learned is that confidence and uncertainty are two sides of the same coin.
You can't have one without the other.
To cultivate confidence we need to be willing to be vulnerable.
To admit when we don't know.
To ask for help.
To allow ourselves to be uncertain.
To let go of who we think we should be so we can be who we already are.
I think there are 3 important components which are needed to cultivate this kind of unshakeable confidence:
1. Courage
To be ourselves, to develop trust in who we are by learning to listen to our own thoughts, feelings and words.
2. Community
Finding people who let us fail/make mistakes and support us to grow (I love that the word confidante has the same root as the word confidence). Sometimes what we need most is someone else to listen and to hold space for us to grow into. To have faith and trust in us when we don't yet trust ourselves.
3. Curiosity
Giving ourselves time to think about what we are learning and what we most want. To challenge the assumptions that stop us from being okay with uncertainty and vulnerability, to be gentle with ourselves.
And if you are not feeling particularly confident at the moment here are some simple ideas to help you slow down, cultivate ease and start to pay attention to what matters most:
Make sure the space you live and work in says back to you that you matter - create a calm, welcoming place around you.
Prioritise sleep - most people, most of the time are tired and it's hard to think well or to feel confident when you're exhausted
Drink more water - SO simple and it works
Prepare and eat food that nourishes you
Spend time with people you love and who will listen to you
Get outside - go for a walk, look up at the stars, search for flowers in the pavement, stand under a tree, let yourself feel the wind on your skin, the rain on your face
Make sure you have time and space for gratitude and grace to show up. It might be writing, or mediation or yoga but something which slows you down and opens you up.
And one final thought.
It takes courage to be who we are, but our world and our families need us to lead and love with the full force of our unshakeably confident hearts. You already are enough. You don't need to prove this to anyone, you just need to start believing it.
I'll look forward to supporting you in any way I can.
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