How to stay sane (ish) this Christmas...

I love this time of year with the long dark nights, bright twinkly lights and warming fires.

My energy feels slower, calmer and more reflective despite the acceleration of Christmas mayhem outside.

Christmas can be quite stressful though - the pressure to purchase, the social engagements, the commitments we make to family and others which can also leave less time for the very things we need if we’re to be at our best.

All too easily Christmas can be something we end up enduring rather than enjoying.

This year I wanted to share a simple yet powerful way to navigate the conflict that can arise when expectations and emotions are running high.

I’m not talking about large scale conflict, I mean the everyday challenges we face with the people around us.

People we like and love and yet who also have the potential to irritate and frustrate us.

The kind of low level disharmony which makes it hard for us to say what we really want or to express our feelings because we fear we might be misunderstood or misinterpreted.

What happens when we disagree?

Generally when there is any kind of disagreement what happens almost immediately, is everyone stops thinking.  

• We get angry. We stop thinking. We anger others. They stop thinking.

• We get frightened. We can’t think. We frighten others. They cannot think.

• We feel misunderstood, so we disconnect. Other people sense the distance and withdraw.

No conflict, however minor, can resolve well if we can’t think well.

Typically in conflict we stop thinking well because our brain interprets challenge as a threat and starts to generate untrue and deeply held limiting assumptions about ourselves.

These assumptions cause our body to be flooded with ‘avoid’ hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline and means our cortex (or thinking brain) is only interested in fighting or fleeing and stops being interested in clear thinking (or the importance of long term relationships).

We then react emotionally rather than respond rationally.

And we say and do things that we later regret.

So, what can we do?

I think we can start to think about how we’d like to be in conflict well ahead of time so when it does occur we’re much better prepared and far more likely to respond as we’d like to.

So, find yourself a comfy chair, a notepad and pen and set aside 20 minutes to think through this powerful sequence of questions: 

1.        How are you in conflict?

2.        How would you like to be in conflict?

Take a pause, stop and breathe….then ask yourself:

3.        What might you be assuming that stops you from (insert desired way of being)?

4.        What else might you be assuming that stops you from (insert desired way of being)?

5.        What is the key assumption that stops you from (insert desired way of being)?

6.        What could you credibly assume instead in order to (insert desired way of being)?

7.        If you knew­­­­­­­­­­­­­­_________________ how would you (insert desired way of being)?

8.        If you knew _________________how else would you (insert desired way of being)?

It’s good to remember that peace can only exist in our world if we are at peace.

We can’t look ‘out there’ if we’re not also prepared to look ‘in here’.

So, I’d like to wish you a really happy festive period, full of love, laughter, harmony, ease and joy.

A few things I’ve found illuminating:

Listen - Alain de Botton - The True Hard Work of Love and Relationships, interview On Being

Read - Michael Thompson - The next time someone annoys you, read this.

Watch - Jennifer Goldman Wetzler - Free yourself when conflict resolution fails, TEDx

As always, I’d love to know how you found these questions so please drop me a line.

And if you know anyone else that might find this interesting pleaseshare.